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But, many also said that there are very few sexual or romantic depictions of big men. Many respondents told Mic that the bear community was a surprising, welcoming refuge from spaces that might have been less friendly to their weight. While it has been a refuge for almost every person I interviewed, it's also come with its own weird set of expectations about who you can date, whatever size you have to be. The bear community, Lopez explained, like all subcommunities, is not immune to negativity. "There's this hierarchy, and it depends on who you are and who you're interested in dating." "Are you a big boy? Are you a big boy with muscle? Are you a total chub?" Lopez explained. Lopez said his whole world changed then, but that it's still not without its pressures. In fact, Lopez said, it wasn't until he was 30 that he attended an event in the bear community - a community of gay men who are usually larger, taller and hairier than one might find in the mainstream gay community. "I was like, 'Wait, are you gay? And you're this gorgeous big hairy dude? What?" The mentor, Gabe remembered, was a gorgeous, gay man of size. The first time he saw someone living a life that he hoped to live one day was in a church youth group he attended. "I had to disidentify myself with white culture, gay culture and cultures of acceptable bodies," Gabe told Mic. "And, you know, that's a fucking ton of work."Īs a queer brown boy, Gabe didn't see anybody on TV, on newsstands or elsewhere who acted as a model for him. And, growing into his gay identity has meant refusing to hold standards put upon him by his own community. Gabe told me that being big, gay and Asian has meant dealing with all of his identities and their different cultural perceptions of being overweight. Gabe, a Wisconsin resident and Midwesterner since birth, said growing up and entering the gay community meant learning quickly that there are schema for acceptable, normal bodies: the cis hairless twink, the sorta-hairy hunk or the gym bunny. And, like me, his journey to the shirtless selfie was a lifelong one. recently sent his first shirtless sext, too. If my weight bothers you, well, that’s your problem. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and 100 pounds won’t be lost in one, either. I’m having to relearn how I eat, how I exercise, and how I view myself. A lifetime of struggling with body image and yo-yo dieting takes a toll on one’s mental as well as physical health. I am tired of hiding because I am obese, and I am tired of simply staying silent when people make negative comments about me. All you are doing is making us hate ourselves - not the fat on the outside, but the wounded person inside. We do not need you to tell us being fat is bad for our health. Fat people do not need you to tell us we are fat. I believe he comes from a genuinely good place, as most people do when they say things like, “You’ve got a pretty face, though” or, “I know you can lose those pesky pounds!” But I wish people wouldn’t say anything at all.
My grandfather means well when he nags me about food. “That’s not me, that’s Jabba the Hutt,” I found myself thinking yesterday as I glimpsed myself in a full-length mirror. I avoid mirrors at all costs, horrified by what I see. But I couldn’t stand the sight of myself. I made a couple of YouTube videos, and I enjoyed that.
I have turned down media appearances that might have boosted my career as writer because I do not want to be videoed. I am only now beginning to reckon with what being fat - or more accurately, what being treated badly for being fat - has cost me.
It’s cliché to say it, but only because it is true: the pressure to be thin or to be fit is literally killing gay men like me. Another survey found that one in three LGBTQ people have suffered suicidal ideation because of their negative body image. Yet according to one survey, 77 percent of gay men have felt judged or objectified because of their body, with 58 percent reporting pressure to look attractive. Eating disorders and negative body image are often thought of as issues affecting only women. I am terrified I will never be thin again.Īccording to the National Eating Disorders Association, more than 10 million American men will develop an eating disorder in their lifetimes. I am furious that I haven’t been more disciplined. I’m frustrated I haven’t lost more weight. My doctor says that’s par for the course and not to beat myself up for it. I’ve gained about 15 back since I quit smoking. Unlike most of the people I see on social media who lament gaining weight in lockdown, I lost 50 pounds in 2020. Again, it’s cliché, but only because it is true. Mostly, though, this was weight gained from eating and drinking to treat depression. Some of this was from a sedentary lifestyle I worked in an office until 2019, and now I work from home. In my 30s I’ve gained a considerable amount of weight.